Hay guys.

Can I ask y'all a favor? Even though it's not even halfway through summer...I need some encouragement to stay at Bethany. Or something. I love the place dearly, it's just...it's just that it's so hard being at a place where my ideals and ideology are so different from the majority there, and having to hide half of who I am from most people there, even my friends! Only the closest of my friends there know who I really am, and half of them just graduated. Okay. One person knew most of my standpoints and he just graduated (Hi Angel, if you're reading this). Sunny...yeah there's not much she didn't know (hi!), and she graduated several years ago. One more might know, will probably know if I have the hangout time with her. Depending on my roomie (who she is, etc.) she might know. But other than that...how do I survive three more semesters at a conservative place where I have to keep my sexuality hidden (both my orientation and my playfulness...oh yeah, and the fact that I'm *gasp* neither married nor abstinent!), half of my religious ideas quiet, and...!

Please? Someone give me some encouragement?

(Honestly it really would help as Monday I get to start the process of applying for another loan: $20k this year.)


ETA: brief list of things I have to hide and/or lie about:
-I'm bi
-I find nothing wrong with polyamory and would like to give it a try if my boyfriend wouldn't be UBERuncomfortable/not-okay with it
-I'm sexually active (when aforementioned bf is around)
-I have no interest in EVER bearing children, tyvm
-I'm starting to think I'm rather against the idea of marriage as an institution (though definitely not against the commitment)
-Yes I like (some) pron, tyVm! And that includes watching boys kiss/grope/etc.
-If circumstances were different I'd be the biggest slut out there. (Issues with my body, etc.)
-I was a witch for several years, and if I'm not careful I can VERY easily get caught back up in those things. (Just ask Melanie, Carl, and James what happens when my energy gets sucked out too fast and I don't have time to protect myself.)
-Hey, I like to show my boobs off and wear corsets and look and feel sexy! Just because people can't keep their minds out of the gutter shouldn't prevent me from wearing what I want.
-No, I don't think God hates me for any of these things.

Tags: bethany

So I'm registered for classes next semester...they are as follows:

M/W/F:
Old Testament Foundations - 11 AM-noon

T/Th:
English Renaissance Lit* - noon-1:30
Intellectual History of the West - 1:30-3
American Institutions - 3-4:30

T:
Linguistics - 6:30-9:30 PM


So that's 15 units. Yay. I'll be living on campus, in a bigger room than before but with a roomie. I'm praying fervently that God will provide one such that we can live together and not kill each other.

*This class was originally Romantic Age Lit, but the teacher (who happens to be the head of the English department) changed it to Renaissance. I. Am SO STOKED. Yay Renaissance Lit! (Especially during the Faire season!)

Tags: bethany

Dear Dr. S,

Yes, I know I came to class without my paper. I told you why, briefly, in front of the class and I told you that if you wanted I would elaborate after class. Please to not humiliating me in front of them and then later telling me that said humiliation was not your goal, but "lighting coals under" me was. If that was your goal, you could have told me after class. Congratulations, you can make a grown woman cry. Feel better?

No love whatsoever, for you or for this class,
Courtney

PS. You also showed me that yes, I can shut myself mostly down again, thank you very much.
PPS. You know, I really did want to do this class independently. I'm pretty much doing that anyway, only minimally participating in class. Yeah, I have a pretty good idea that you wouldn't let me so that you'd keep the numbers needed for them to let you keep the class, as I bring the total to 6. You could have just told me that flat out at the beginning.



Dear Prof. C.S.,

I'm sick of the fact that you can't go an hour without talking about sex and finding every little hidden bit of sex in our books that, oh yeah, YOU picked out. You know what sickens me even more? That you chose a book for us to read that's very much not in line with the course objectives (as the subject is 20th Century American lit and this book is Canadian, regardless of where it is set), probably because it deals with two subjects close to your heart: women's rights and sex. You know what? Build a fucking bridge, do said fucking on the bridge, then get the hell over it!

Used to love, but now much less love,
Courtney



Dr. B.,

I have no words. I said them all to you the last time I quit your class. The only reason I don't do it again is because I need the credit units to stay at full time.

Disgusted at your constant talk of breasts (lactating or not) and falling on young(ish) girls,
Courtney



Dear C. (also known as A Different Dr. S. Than the One to Whom the First Letter Was Addressed),

Thank you for making Theological Foundations a class I actually enjoy and am learning in. Though I may not always agree with you, you present your arguments well, articulately, and invite us to disagree with you (so long as we don't resort to the last defence of a small mind: namecalling). You are probably the best teacher in the Bible and History departments, and I can only think of one other teacher I have had the pleasure of learning under that is on your caliber (and as he's twice your age he's had much more time to learn). You make this semester bearable.

Much love,
Courtney



Dear Megan,

I wish you had been there in class with me this morning. I would have loved to see the look on Dr. S.'s face as you calmly told him to go fuck himself (but in many more words), as I know you would have. I miss you, babe.

Love,
Courtney

Tags: bethany, open letters

lol okay maybe I'm being overdramatic due to the fact that it's 5 AM, but whatever.

For my theological foundations class we have to do a "book report" where we take a book (or, in my case, a series) and write about how various theological issues are dealt with in that book.

Me? I've chosen Harry Potter. Yes, I know. But I did get my prof to approve it ("usually I'd say no, but because I know you I'm interested to see what you'll do with that. Okay.")

Anyways. I'd like some input, please? My "notes" (page of ideas) follows, typed up from my handwritten form:


Harry Potter - theological issues: sacrifice, mercy, good vs. evil

-Sacrifice to save someone else -- perhaps the "innocent" or those who can do more good than the person who sacrifices themself, and how it raises and can in some way "glorify" or raise to honor that person.
~Lily for Harry (and James for Harry, too)
~Sirius for Harry? (need to reread books 3-6 very quickly)
~Dumbledore for Draco & for the cause (will have to delve into speculation, as it involves what may happen in book 7)
~Snape putting his life on the line for the OotP and its cause
~even, in some way, Petunia in allowing Harry to live with them in order to protect him ("REMEMBER MY LAST"?) -- as much as she claims to detest him, she is more afraid of being different (see the first few chapters of books 1 and 2) and she does love him in some way.

-Mercy -- Harry saved Pettigrew's life; Pettigrew owes Harry a life-debt and it will likely aid Harry and the OotP, all due to Harry's mercy in allowing him to live instead of letting Sirius and Remus kill him.

-Free will and Good vs. Evil -- one of the main things that separates Harry from Voldemort is the choices each made. See the Dumbledore's comments on choices at the end of book 2. (Maybe at the end of 5, too? I need to reread that book.)

-Also, possibly, salvation as shown in Snape: he was once a Death Eater, but now he is on the side of Good (we hope). Hm. I will have to think more on this one.



Anything else? I need to have this written in two weeks (not next Thursday, but the one after that), so any help would definitely be appreciated!

(I'm sure I'll be making decent use of the Lexicon, and probably some use of "The Secrets of Harry Potter". Maybe I can use it as an excuse to buy the updated one with book 5 in it? Perhaps they already have one with book 6?)

also, d'you think I should submit this into the Daily Snitch as a call for help or possibly a discussion? I don't know if it's DS-worthy, yknow? In any case, if you think you know of anyone who can help, please direct them to here. Thanks!

Tags: bethany, fandom, harry potter

SOSICK of sitting in chapels. It's one of the things I hate about coming to a Christian school is that I *have* to go to chapels. Granted, I got a waiver and only have to go to 20 this semester instead of 40, but still.

I've been sitting in chapels weekly, if not daily (which I had to do the last few weeks of every semester up till last semester) for the last 15 fucking years. Or possibly 16. Yes, I've been in Christian schools since preschool, excepting only 3 months when I went to the local public school (and ended up hating it, but not because it wasn't a Christian school...it had to do with the people, the neighborhood and the crappyass teachers).

I. Am so over. Chapels.

And they wonder why I don't go to church regularly on Sundays. I'm fucking IN church 5 (well, 4 now) days a week. Though, I will be in church on Sundays starting in a few weeks when I go back to doing children's ministry (basically, watching little ones while their parents are in Big Church, which, btw, I don't find all that enjoyable for myself...too dry, not enough worship, yknow?)

Anyways. Wanted to say that.


...At least 90% of our chapels here have actual theological content, unlike at Valley where it was closer to 75%.



Now, quickly! Off to read pr0n fic! (inell!fic, yay! zomg I have to reread her Willow!fic and get back into that fandom)

Tags: bethany
What I'm Hearing: Chapel worship band - No Sweeter Name

OMG I'm stuck in Bio lab and my prof won't stop talking about lactating mammary glands! (and we're examining blood and skin cells).

HELP ME!

Spam me, please! How many comments can my flist generate? I know it probably won't be much, but please? I'd like to see what y'all can do!

Tags: bethany, bored
How I Feel: bored
What I'm Hearing: Limey Birds - Has Anyone Seen My Cock? (it's stuck in my head!)

oh, my god. I'm going to fail with this paper. I swear it. I can outline it in two sentences, and write it in three, maybe four paragraphs. Which, yknow, is okay for high school papers, but not for college, and not for English lit majors, especially ones who are planning to earn the majority of their income dealing with the written word (copyediting, yay).

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

I'm giving up for the night and will attempt to write more tomorrow. If I succeed, I'll turn it in with the 20% reduction (10% each day it's late, and it was due yesterday); if not I'll contact my prof and ask her for help because God knows I need it.

Tags: bethany
What I'm Hearing: Serenity OST - Truth/Mal's Speech

Dear God,

Please give me the strength to get through the rest of my time at Bethany without killing someone or going batshit NUTS. Help me keep my tongue and learn to breathe around people who presume to say what You do and do not like, or what out of two options You like better.

Keep me from controversial conversations or arguments as I am likely to blow the fuck up at the next person who relies on pastors and professors to be their brains instead of using the ones You gave them.

And please give me an on/off button on my ears so I can just tune out people who are demonstrating their wonderful idiocy.

Thank you,
Courtney

Tags: bethany, bitching

Situation: You're stuck with person A as your partner for the whole semester, during which you "get" to write 4 or 5 (I forget the exact number) of research papers and present them with your partner. (Individual papers, presentations can be done either individually or as one, but basically you're partnered up and given a topic and told to go and research and write.) Now, for the first paper it's a subject you've already researched, so you give your previous paper to your partner (with permission of the teacher) for reference. Not to copy, not to paraphrase, not to steal. To reference. Come presentation day, you discover that your partner has stolen and paraphrased your paper (badly, I might add) to make up 90 % of theirs, and the other 10% came from a website another friend had given them. (Basically, your partner did none of their own research nor used any of their own ideas nor understood what they were writing about.) Your partner has written a crappy, plagiarized paper and given a crappy presentation. You, on the other hand, have worked your butt off to write a paper that's 2 pages longer than the minimum, was forced to touch on high points of the paper for the presentation because of how much information you had, and generally deserved a decent grade.

Now you're stuck with this partner who can't do their own research nor write decent papers for the rest of the semester, and you don't know whether or not your grade is dependant on their performance. Do you:

a) suck it up and do their share of the work for them?
b) say screw it and do only your own work, and do it well, and hope that your grade reflects the work you put in and that your partner's reflects the work they put in?
c) bitch your partner out (who happens to be your friend; just not too bright academically), then do one of the above?

or

d) go to the teacher about it, ask what the grading policy is, and see what to do about it then?





Yes. I find myself in this situation. I'm planning on doing D, and hoping he (the teacher) understands and works with me. If that doesn't work, I think I'll go to the President of the college (it's a small college, and I'm somewhat friends with Dr. Rossi) about it and ask what he thinks.

Keep in mind, I'm not very confrontational IRL when it involves friends. (I had so few in the past that I'm afraid to lose the ones I have. That, and Bethany is so small I can't get away from people I piss off.)

Tags: bethany, bitching
How I Feel: pissed off

So, personal update: I have three pressing issues. 1) I am tired to the point of feeling sick, 2) I'm stressed to the point of wanting to cry at anything, and 3) it's only Wednesday. Okay, so that's two issues compounded by a fact, but, blah.

But on the bright side, my Lavender & Lace Celtic Ladies (www.tiag.com is the site; the Celtic seasons and Christmas) are on the way. The patterns, I mean. Well, all but Winter. I already have Winter. So when they come (hopefully tomorrow, as it's only coming from Dublin...er, Dublin, CA) I can brave going to Alameda to pick up the beads, specialty threads, and linen for them.

Now, for politics: staticengine did a wonderful take on the SotU here. Gorgeous. Scary, but gorgeous.

Tags: bethany, cross stitch, politics
How I Feel: stressed

Can I just say how much I hate homework? GRR.

I have decided, after writing out 99% of my homework assignments (several papers w/o definite due dates aren't on the list), that I am just going to work on it for 5-6 hours each evening (until my brain stops absorbing information, basically), rotating books after 10 pages apiece, and writing each assignment as it comes up as I go down my list until I'm DONE. Except for the papers.

...At this rate I should be done (and burnt out) by my birthday. Hopefully slightly before, so I can relax and let the alcohol do its thing. (You bet your ass I'll be having Matthew drive me home.)

Oh, on that note: I think, unless anyone else has suggestions that are condusive to including those who are still underage, that I will be having a Birthday Dinner at Chili's. My birthday is on a Friday, so that shouldn't be TOO much of a problem (I wonder if you can do reservations for larger parties at Chili's). I shall post more details as I figure them out. Anyone who can make it is welcome to come! (Just let me know, okidoke?)

Edit: As of 4:00 this afternoon, all the homework that is due this week is DONE. Now I need to finish the stuff for next week. Yes, I'm serious about this! 90% of it is just reading, and 5% is writing reviews of my history chapters. So, seriously, I'm only left with 5% of my homework left to do once I finish everything!

Tags: bethany, birthday, bitching, meetups

School starts tomorrow.

Schedule is as follows:

MWF, 10-11 AM: Human Bio
M, 3-6 PM: 20th Century American Lit
W, 6-9 PM: Human Bio Lab
T/Th, 8-9:30 AM: History of Medieval Europe
Th, 12-3 PM: Theological Foundations

The only reason I have the history class is because, well, LOOK at the subject matter. It is RIGHT up my alley. And, considering I'm a history minor and it counts toward the minor, yay! I shall endure the 6:30 AM wake-up. At least it's only once a week. I think. I worked it out with the prof last semester, but we need to get the details down. Hopefully I can swing it to having nothing on Tuesdays. *grin*


On a different note: Saw Brokeback Mountain. Very good movie. Also quite sad. And quite realistic/believable. Damn, I hope my dad is happier than those two men. At least he can be honest that he's gay, and be with the man he loves and not have to hide it and worry about being beaten to death by strangers or despised by his family. (The movie takes place in the 60s and 70s, and very early 80s. This thing about worrying is no spoiler, it's just a fact of how things were, and how they still are in parts of this country even. Sad.)

I need to icon: I have a picture in my head: The scene where they're standing, with one behind the other and the one who's in back is holding the one in front. I want to crop it down to icon-size and put text in that's something to the effect of "this is love" or "love" or "all love is valid" or something like that.

Damn if sometimes I don't feel like a gay man in a woman's body and life. (Except that most of the time I enjoy being female, tyvm.)

Tags: bethany, icons, movies
How I Feel: tired
What I'm Hearing: No, Nay, Never

So, during chapel I got really pissed, and wrote something out. I know I shouldn't have gotten so pissed, so I went to Dr. Rossi and asked him to pray for/with me so I could control my anger, which by the way, is anger at people. At the people of Bethany, as a whole and sometimes as individuals (but no I won't name names because that's not my place). So, I got out what I had to say, which was mainly my anger and disappointment at the hypocrisy of the students here. And I'm going to have a say on here, but in a much less pissed-off way.

I. Am sick. Of seeing people, individual people, saying, "keep yourself pure and don't do X or Y or Z" but then I know for a fact that they turn around and DO X or Y or Z. I'm fine with people trying to keep others accountable. And I understand that people have their own issues. But what completely sends me off is when they feel guilty so they turn around and rail on others for doing exactly what they are doing. GOR!


Okay. So. Now on to the individual thing during chapel that started this, that, interestingly enough has nothing to do with hypocrisy. I think. I wrote this during chapel:


I am so sick of the witch-bashing in the Christian church. Would they say the same thigns about Buddhists, or Mormons, or Muslims, or even athiests? No.

"He's not too personable. But hey, what do you expect, he's a ________."

"She hates us all, but that's to be expected; she's a ________."

FILL IN THE BLANK!

You wouldn't dream of filling in "Buddhist" or "Catholic" or "Hindu" or whatever. No. But bring in the magical word "witch" (no pun intended), and everyone laughs or thinks it's okay. How many people who laugh at these jokes (or what-have-you) have actually talked to a witch, knowingly? Many would be surprised to find out who is a pagan.

And almost none of them would laugh if they knew what I knew.

Tags: bethany, bitching