Now that the crisis has passed, I'm not in that same inner headspace as I was. I've laughed a few times in the past hour. Smiled outside of the laughs, even. Spoken up twice.

Still. Most of the stress of the past week is gone (most), and I just want to cry. But I can't. Physically can't, and really can't afford to. I have to work tonight, 6-11. I have a roommate and can't cry in front of her. I don't trust her feel comfortable enough with her. I can cry in front of Meg, Matt, and maybe Daisy and Jayne. I can't cry in front of Steph. I really can't cry in front of anyone else here, and most especially not in class.

Fuck. I'm going to go now.


I'm back. It feels again like I'm moving somewhat in slow motion, except for the speed at which my fingers are typing. The world is going normal, but I am in slow motion. That's how it was two hours ago when this started. Fuck. Am I going back through this cycle? I can't afford that; I need to talk to financial aid. Fuck.

There's only two things, I think, that will break this. A good cry, or ten hours' sleep. Neither will I get tonight. C'est la vie.

Tags: a peek into my psyche